sorry not sorry
I recently discovered that I've been apologizing for a lot of things that I really shouldn't apologize for. Not so much verbally, but certainly on a subconscious level and definitely throughout my life. Being apologetic has it's charms of course, "ooh sorry I stepped on you ma'am, sorry I cut you off on the road sir, sorry I spilled coffee on your rug friend, and soooo sorry I'm late to our date."
But what about other more ambiguous apologies? "Sorry mom, that I didn't become an architect like you hoped I would, or an avid tennis player," (the racket gives me blisters and I like my hands just the way they are). Or the appropriate list of apologies to my exes: "sorry fellas, that I didn't grow out my hair for you, or that I had too many male friends, or talked too loudly in public when I was passionately excited about something. So sorry for being wrapped up with work, for chasing success and being more excited about new opportunities than our Friday night movie dates."
Dear society, "my apologies for dropping out of kindergarten, and then dropping out of college, sorry I don't have a mortgage, or student debt, a husband, or babies." To convention, "so sorry for staying up late, for sleeping in on weekends, for not being an early bird but not exactly a night owl." I think I'm also apologetic about wasting time, loving leisure and chasing pleasure every chance I get. "My sincere apologies for avoiding wearing a bra whenever possible, for not eating just because the clock says it's lunchtime and for not drinking at Happy Hours just because I'm an adult." I think I'm also sorry for loving carbs and dairy unconditionally.
I'm mostly sorry for always changing things whenever I'm unhappy, but most of all, as it turns out, I'm not sorry at all. I'm done apologizing for who I am and who I want to be. I just can't believe that it took me this long to figure it out.
What are you sorry but not really sorry about?